True story - sometimes I am really crazy.
Lately, I've had this horrible feeling in my stomach that I am going to lose one of my girls. It's a feeling I can't shake and I'm not sure where it came from or what triggered it. It wasn't the Connecticut shootings, or even this story that I read, although those would seem logical.
No. I remember getting this exact same feeling when Kiki was the same age and it lasted a few months before I could finally think about something else. I don't know if it's my soul preparing for something horrible to happen or just part of becoming a parent but I hate it. I live in this paranoid state, looking at every possible threat in the world and hating it for existing. Hating that it could cause me, a mother of two perfect little girls, the most shattering heart ache that exists.
Then one day, just as suddenly as it came on, it dulls. It never completely goes away, but it stops being the all consuming presence it once was.
2012 was a great year for my family. We had some rough spots (my grandma dying, Harris losing his job) but the good outweighed the bad 10 to 1. And when things are good, and easy, and life is coasting...
that's when I get scared.
Scared that something will inevitably go wrong. Horribly wrong.
Life will be hard - too hard - and I'll be in this "growth" phase where I'll want to scream and ask "why me?".
Then, it will be over. And I'll forget the details, and things will be good again.
I have a feeling 2013 is going to be one of those "growing" years. Growing pains suck and I really don't want to do it. I can't do it.
I know I psych myself out being worried about this potential danger that I make up to be worse in my mind than it sometimes is but once I get going I'm hard to stop.
Do I prepare my family financially? Do I prepare myself emotionally? Do I prepare myself physically? Do I get 72 hour kits? Do I stay at work to get out of debt and save? Do I quit my job to maximize time with the girls? Do I teach piano lessons for a talent that could be taken away at any moment? Do I find other talents that are supposed to help get me through this tough time? What tough time, it hasn't even happened!
I told you I'm a crazy person.
But the worst thing is, what if I thought about it and did nothing? I ignored the prompting because I thought I was overreacting and something preventable happened. Who do I blame then but myself?
I tell you what, the devil is real. But so is God - and God always wins.
Always.
So take that satan.
But God, please don't break me too much - I'm delicate.
Crazy
But delicate
1 comment:
I've been feeling that uneasy feeling lately too. My baby having chicken pox still and my husband having an infection in his chest. Scary stuff. Things have been going so good for us but I know that when there's good, there's always something else that will come up to test you in one way or another. I figure that's just Heavenly Father's way of telling us "It's Life" but it sucks sometimes. Perhaps it IS because we're mothers or it could mean something more. Who knows.
Hope you're doing well. Don't forget, crazy is a good thing :-)
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