32 Weeks

To my unborn little girl.

I have no idea how we're going to adapt to having 3 children, let alone 3 GIRLS, but your sisters are excited to meet you. Your daddy thinks being a father of all girls is the best and like I've been before every one of my kids was born - I'm uncertain.

I don't know if the labor will be good, hard, long, early, late. 

I don't know if nursing will end in tears, impossible, exhausting, a chore, beautiful.

I don't know how you'll sleep, if I'll sleep, where we'll sleep (things on the home front are up in the air right now).

I don't know if you'll be easy, hard, cry lots, smile.

I don't know if you'll prefer daddy or mummy, or even your sisters, if you'll be happy to go to others, a home body.

I don't know if you'll have lots of hair, no hair, curly, straight, dark, light.

I don't know if you'll look like me, your dad, Mia, Kiki, your grandparents.

I don't know if post-partum will be easy, hard, exhausting, sad, happy, dark, light.

But I do know that you were meant to be ours.

You were determined to come to our family and because of that determination, we will be infinitely blessed by your presence. I hope that doesn't mean that life will hard for you, or us, but I know that because of you, I'm learning to trust in the Lord and His plans, timing and greater understanding.

We weren't "supposed" to have another baby for a while. I was on birth control and not mentally prepared for the sickness of pregnancy. We had plans to try some Asian lady's suggestions to have a boy in the hopes that it would be an easier pregnancy on me when we were ready and wait until I was more secure with work.

Work's been a crazy roller coaster for the last 6 months. Job changes, boss changes, department changes. We got a few health scares regarding you a couple of months ago. My own family life has had some crazy ups and downs and this pregnancy has been rough. Those first 20+ weeks were awful but I survived. The last 4 weeks have been riddled with contractions, blood work, more sickness and aches and pains - all part of a regular pregnancy for me.

But you.

You've kept moving, you let me know you're there and make me think that despite what happens even if you plan, things will be okay.

So despite what I don't know, I do know this.

We can't wait to meet you, love you and make you ours.

See you soon xox

-Mama

Get over it

2014 has been the year of surprises.

And if I was being honest - they were pretty crappy surprises. Mostly due to my reaction to them.

I loved staying home and when Harris' was miserable at his job and being treated poorly I didn't hesitate taking up the opportunity to provide for our family.

But I was so bummed out that what I thought I'd received as inspiration while he and I were still dating (a very specific financial goal I thought I knew would come to fruition) was happening in reverse. Not only that but the way I was helping my family was doing the opposite of what a mother was "supposed" to do. I wasn't even mad at Harris, I was just confused by the direction God was taking with our lives.

I'm still not sure why things happened that way and why I thought I'd received "undeniable" inspiration that isn't happening.

The next big thing was a surprise I found out a week before my 28th birthday.

I was pregnant.

WHAT?!

No.

I didn't want to be pregnant.

My filter should stop me from saying that but this is my blog and I say what I want!

Every person who had asked me (multiple in the month before I found out since my sister just had a baby and everyone assumed it must be making me baby hungry). I told them I didn't want a baby for at least another year because I still remember how sick I got with Mia and I wasn't mentally/emotionally/physically prepared to go through that again. That and I needed some maternity leave benefits to kick in at work that wouldn't be in effect until I was back for 2 years.

They seemed like legit reasons when I reasoned with myself. 

Mental health

Physical health

Taking care of my family as the sole breadwinner

It took us 11 months to get pregnant with Mia so preparing for a baby wasn't necessary.

We used birth control, I have some health issues that usually make getting pregnant harder for me (endometriosis) so while everyone else getting pregnant around me I was content with my two beautiful girls. I loved being their mother, I loved seeing them with their daddy and they were everything we needed.

I was sick for a few weeks before I even found out I was pregnant. My period has been coming like clock work for about 2 years (every 4 weeks + 1 day) and every 6 months or so it would come like a week and a half late. I figured this was one of those moments. I took a pregnancy test 4 days after I was supposed to get my period and the line was too faint to tell if it was negative or positive and I figured that meant it was negative. Both times I've been pregnant before I took a pregnancy test less than a week after I missed my period and it showed positive immediately.

When I'd reached a week and still didn't have my period I bought another pregnancy test and figured I wouldn't need it. I woke up early that Sunday morning before anyone else and needed to pee so I figured I'd get the test out of the way and get a for sure negative then just wait for my period. I was impatient so I just stared at my pregnancy test and it showed positive immediately.

WHAT?

No.

I threw the test away, walked out of the bathroom and went back to bed. A couple of hours later I woke up again, remembered what I'd done and casually told Harris. Who was SO EXCITED!

Since then I've lost at least 18 lbs (I was already 25 lbs heavier than where I usually start my pregnancies so I could stand to lose weight) and experienced extreme sickness (aka Hyperemesis Gravidarum). I've had IV treatments 3 times in the 5 weeks I've known I was pregnant and because I wait so long before going in for them the Dr is going to set me up to do them in-home. I'm meeting with her for the third time this pregnancy (and I'm only 10 1/2 weeks!) so she can measure our baby to verify everything is okay in there. I have a low hematocrit (red blood cell count) which is no surprise as I've had anemia since I was 15 and it gets low every pregnancy. I throw up most nights at least once if I move and sleep on the couch 90% of the time because being in our bed makes me sick. I've taken 3 types of prescribed medication (zofran, phenergen, diclegis), almost 4 different types of ways (through IV's, in pill form, in cream form and was offered to have one inserted in my butt) to see if they stop me from throwing up. None have worked.

I've tried natural remedies - oils, teas, vitamin B6, ginger everything, frequent snacking, sea bands, pretty much anything you can think of I've tried and it doesn't work.

I've thrown up in my car at least 5 times while I'm driving and I've got it down to a science where I can throw up in my can without swerving, slowing or taking my eyes off the road.

I've prayed, cried, begged, received blessings, counsel and yet here I stay confined to my couch where I spend all hours I'm home.

My poor girls. I hate that they have to see me like this. 

My thoughtful husband who does everything he can to take care of me.

My crushed spirit that, despite how hard I want to give up, still keeps going.

I've read and listened to more messages from apostles and prophets than I can count and none offer the hope that it will be over because I've asked for it to be - they all have the same message of there being joy in the journey and strength from enduring.

Man that message sucks when you just want reprieve from the suffering.

But I don't see myself getting relief right now so I need all the prayers I can to prop me up and set me back on the steep climb uphill. 

And really, I just need to get over myself and harden up you know?

Round 2

I think pregnancy number 2 (sans those first 24 weeks) is way easier than pregnancy number 1. I have a few theories on why this happened and a few experiences to share.

1) Baby brain is not as bad for me this time. For whatever reason, my brain hasn't turned to mush and my memory is pretty well in tact. High five to me
2) No itchiness on any growing parts of my body. It's probably because my skin has already made this stretch once that it's not itchy this time - I can't really be sure as I'm not a Dr but my stomach, sides, boobs and everything else that itched the first time around because it was stretching so much doesn't itch at all this time. Love it cause at one point in my first pregnancy I broke out in hives.
3) No heartburn. I don't think that has anything to do with this being my second pregnancy but I haven't had to worry about heartburn. I'll get it a little if I eat too much dairy, or too many sweets but a mouthful of water cures it. Nothing magical, no special concoctions - it's just not something I have to deal with this time around.
4) Not gaining as much weight, or being as big as I was the first time around. People say you show sooner with your second, you get bigger blah blah blah. This time was the opposite. I had some issues with how big I got with Kiona. I was a whale - I put on about 50 pounds and was pregnant in my face, arms, ankles, toes...you name it. I did not enjoy being pregnant and felt so gross. This time around, without any doing of my own have put on half of that weight and carried a lot smaller and besides putting on some weight in my thighs (which I'm grateful for cause this belly requires support) am only pregnant in my tummy.
5) My skin is clearer than the first time. When people talk about a pregnancy "glow" I think they're smoking crack. The first time around I broke out really bad - everywhere. Face, shoulders, chest etc. giving me another reason to dislike pregnancy. This time, again with very little intervention, this isn't a problem I've had to deal with it at all. Who knows why but I'm not complaining
6) A little unrelated to previous points but still something I think about is how I'm not ready for this baby. This pregnancy has gone by way faster than the first has and up until last week I had barely anything for this girl. You'd think that with it being baby girl #2 we'd be set on clothes but when you have a baby in October who wears 0-3 month sized winter clothes, and another baby in July who will be wearing 0-3 month sized summer clothes the options for handing clothes down are pretty limited. Babies that small only wear specific clothes for a few short months then grow out of them and all of Kiona's clothes are for opposite seasons so really we can only re-use onesies. Not that I'm phased - I love buying little girl clothes. They're so cute and they've changed so much since Kiona was a baby too so it's good times all around. The girls will be sharing a room and we've just gotta get Kiona a toddler bed then we'll be pretty much done. We've painted the room, gotten a bigger dresser for all of their clothes and shoes, hung decorations, cleaned everything....I'm starting to believe it's real and this girl is going to come whether I've prepared myself or not. I'm going for another natural birth and the only thing I'm really hoping for this time around is to cut my labor time in the hospital in half (last time it was 27 hours). I know the struggles I had mentally the first time and have been working on those and am generally in a better place this time around.
Here's to hopefully having this baby a little early - which can begin as soon as next Thursday when I am officially "full term" at 37 weeks....holy moly

Birth Story

No I haven't had my baby yet but I have been thinking about her birth and labor a lot.

When I was pregnant with Kiona I decided I wanted to give birth naturally, early in my pregnancy, and spent most of my pregnancy gathering as much information as possible on birthing. After my birth with Kiona, a natural, 26-hour craziness I barely remember the conclusion I came to was that every woman should be armed with knowledge about giving birth, hospital policies, options, health risks, and basic rights a mother-to-be has as the master of her body. I didn't come out of making it through that labor with the thoughts that labor is beautiful and anyone who opts for an epidural is putting their child at risk - quite the opposite. I thought labor was HARD. And I think that epidurals are great when used in the right circumstances.

I am an advocate, however, of maintaining communication with health professionals and arming yourself with the knowledge to get what you need. I've heard opinions on home births, both for and against, and it seems the most ignorant people have the most to say on the topic. Just because you don't know about home births doesn't mean you can tell women what's bad or unsafe about have a home birth - you don't have to have one and you certainly don't have to tell someone else they shouldn't either.

Personally, I am all for giving birth at a hospital or birthing center. I love that someone else will clean up after me, that all meals are brought to me and that people are constantly checking up on me. I also understand that if you are for natural childbirth a hospital has a lot of procedures they feel are "necessary" that can work against your favor.

This is where knowledge is key.

Attend birthing classes, read, talk to Doctors, midwives, doulas, other women who have had different types of births and absorb it all then make of it what you will. Form your own opinion and make your own decisions. But make informed decisions.

I can't give medical advice but I would suggest reading this. I agree with a lot of what she says but again, make of it what you will. Even if you aren't having a baby, it's still good to know if you ever plan on it.

And I'm getting off my soap box now

What'll it be?

Today I had my 14 week appointment at the Dr's and apparently everything with the baby is okay. I hoped that once I was out of my first trimester I'd be in the green - nope, not yet.

With Kiona I think I finally got hungry for the first time around 20/21 weeks. Not awesome if that's how long this will last. I had hoped that with the intensity of this sickness it was going to be worse for a shorter amount of time. It's hard to look forward to a date that you don't know. At least when I was sick before I would talk myself through it by saying "you only have to make it through 13+ weeks of this", or "only 3 more weeks left to go" but that hasn't been the case just yet. I know a lot of people who keep being sick for a few more weeks and it eventually winds itself down so I'm keeping my fingers, toes, legs and eyes crossed that happens to me - and soon.

It definitely has gone down in some degrees. Most of the time I can talk myself out of throwing up. Before, all I could do was tell myself I could wait until I got home (if I was in the car) or until I got to the bathroom (if I was in the house) and a few times now I've been able to breath through it. Last night I wasn't able to and ended up throwing up all of the day's food and stomach acids on top of that so during my appointment today my Dr had the medical assistant hook an IV bag of fluids mixed with some nausea medicine to me, then Kiona and I got to chill in a big lazy boy watching Brother Bear. A morning well spent I say.

We also got to make "the" appointment. I can't believe how soon we'll be finding out what this baby is. I swear with Kiona it didn't come this fast and even now when I think about it, I don't feel like the baby is real even though we've seen it in an ultrasound and heard its heartbeat. I guess being down 10 pounds at 14 weeks is contributing to the not looking pregnant, and aside from the nausea and lack of monthly cycles, I don't really feel pregnant either.

But what will it be I ask? Currently I want both. A boy so we can have that son to carry on our last name, a son to send on a mission, a son for Harris to play sports with, a brother for Kiona, and that son that I want so much for me. Or a girl. We could have an entirely girly bedroom for our daughters, as hard as I've heard it is to raise girls I know that the return you get from them as they grow up is HUGE, the sisterly bond you have with a sister outlasts any other bond besides marriage, and if Kiona is the type of girl we get then I'll take half the girl she is in a heartbeat. But really, all I want is a healthy baby. I will be happy either way, and a little sad too, but stoked that a healthy little bun is growing in the oven.

What do I think it is? I honestly don't know. I say a boy sometimes because I'm way sicker with this one than I was with Kiona. But then I say a girl because I'm sick with this one, as I was with Kiona. The worst medical advice I was told was by a nurse in the ER who told me that some women just get sicker and sicker with each pregnancy which scared me to death about having another one and made me want to throw up in her office.

My mother was never sick with any of her kids, boys or girls, so she's got nothing for me to go off of. My sister wasn't sick with either of her kids but she has two boys. My cousins on my dad's side all have sons and they were really sick for the first 7 months of their pregnancies so who knows?

In other, pregnancy-less news Harris is almost done with school. He finished his last classes last semester but he's still waiting on one final grade to be officially granted his degree and we are dying waiting for that last teacher to submit his grades. Harris knows he passed, but it's hard to feel complete with an "NS" (not scored) mark on his grades. The day that's done will hopefully coincide with the day my nausea is officially done and we can celebrate by EATING. Right now he's looking for a job to put his Marketing skills and degree to use and to also start his career - making money.

Harris has also been the best husband and father while I've been sick. I'm not kidding when I say I'm no sort of mother/wife to my poor family. Harris has stepped in to take care of Kiona where I can't, he changes 95% of her diapers, all #2's, he's even started semi potty-training her as I can't look in the toilet without wanting to chuck up my dinner, cooks all meals, feeds her, feeds me, runs to the store to get whatever my mouth desires, cleans our house, takes time off work to take care of me, tells me every day how amazed he is at ME in putting up with everything pregnancy-related, and enjoys just cuddling with me and Kiona. He is already the best daddy and will be twice as awesome when another baby joins our family. I love him.

Kiona has also stepped up in a big way. She will ask me whenever I have a sad face, a content face, anything less than smile if I'm okay and if I say no she will keep asking until I say yes. She will tell her dad if she senses I need something. She will cuddle me until I laugh, kiss my forehead until I give her a hug, and rub my face then tell me she loves me. She assumes all sleeps are spent with me and will cling to me until she or I fall asleep. This girl can melt my heart and with her limited understanding of the new baby she is excited. My favorite thing she does now is when we've asked her to get something or she's looking for something (i.e. a toy, her shoes, her jacket) she will ask this object out loud where it is. "Boooooots, where ah you?" she asks when told to find her boots. She will keep asking this until she finds the object then respond with "dere you ah". I love it.

Fingers are crossed that any day now I'll be hungry and able to eat a burger, or something equally healthy in celebration. Until then, I'll be drinking my liquids through my arm or wrist - in a straw known as an IV. And loving that there's going to be a baby joining us at the beginning of July :)

The Birds and the Bees

That last post was a bit harsh.

But it was true.

And I wish it wasn't.

After going to the E.R. last week I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. A fancy way of saying I throw up too much. But after going to bed last night I realized how beautiful my babies are.

Kiona was laying on the love sac with her daddy and I was trying to go to sleep on the couch (I hate the smell of our bedroom right now) and she was cuddling her father. She sits up and says "Mummy. Come. Cuddles" and even though I felt too sick to even blink, I sat straight up, jumped on the love sac with my darlings and had cuddles with them until she fell asleep.

I don't like being pregnant. I don't think it's beautiful. I don't feel feminine and womanly. But I know it's a miracle. If this baby is anything like Kiona, it will always be worth it. Sometimes it's hard to believe that when you're in the middle of it. Then I remember how I got here.

How old were you when you figured out how babies were made? Who did you find out from? Are you uncomfortable yet? This story is not about making babies. Although it can be if you really want. Haha sorry I'm a little over tired. This story is to remind me why having babies is worth it. Even though I say I don't want more, I secretly do. Or, not so secretly anymore. I just don't want to have them myself. Because honestly, I'm not myself when I'm pregnant.

I don't smile.

I don't laugh.

I don't like to talk.

I have a permanent scowl on my face.

I sit in a ball on our love sac all day with my shirt covering my nose.

I can barely think.

And I am not the wife and mother I usually am and Harris and Kiona deserve more than that.

But I love me some babies. Especially my babies. So this is a story to remind me about being grateful that I can have "my babies".

Harris and I gave up preventing having kids just over a year ago. I figured I'd get pregnant quickly. And when 6 months went by without getting pregnant I breathed a sigh of relief. Relieved that Kiona didn't have to share me, relieved that we wouldn't have two babies while Harris was still in school. And relieved I wouldn't have to go through pregnancy and delivery again. I don't remember specifics but I know neither were enjoyable.

Then a month later something strange happened.

I was out with my sister and some friends when I got really sick. We were out to dinner and because this blog is mine this is gonna be TMI. I went to the bathroom, threw up, had diarrhea and was sweating profusely. After emptying my stomach of everything in it I went back to the dinner table and had really bad cramps. Thankfully, we were getting ready to leave so I didn't have to stay around food. I get into my sister's car and the fever I had got higher and the rumbly in my tumbly got louder. I told my sister she needed to pull over because I was going to vomit (or worse, crap my pants haha) in her car. She refused to let me get out of her car right before we were going to get on the freeway, and in a shady part of downtown and said she would rather I did it in her car than have me out where it was scary. I didn't want to do either in her car but knew she was right. She said she just wanted to get a little further south where it was safer and I wound down the window to try and ease whatever was going on. I told her I felt like I was in labor because the cramps I was getting were so bad. I could feel them down my legs, down my back and all I wanted to do was get whatever was in me out. I eventually made it to Draper where all of my family visiting from NZ was and we pulled over at a gas station just down the road. I got out of the car and felt that my pants were wet. I seriously wandered if I'd done something I just couldn't feel *how embarrassing* but it turned out to be blood. At least I didn't have control over blood coming out, right? I go into the bathroom in the gas station and continue what I'd done in the bathroom at the restaurant when all of a sudden a massive clot comes out. I leaned my head against the wall in the bathroom and felt a small sense of relief come over me. Then I wondered what the heck had just happened. I was so sick, fevered and crazy that it took a few minutes for me to register what happened? Did I just have a miscarriage? I can't have. I only had my period a couple weeks ago I hadn't even gotten far enough to miss a period. I clued in to hear my sister knocking on the door and she'd bought me some pads cause I'd told her what happened, I got myself as decent as possible (hallelujah for wearing black leggings under my skirt!) and we left. Thankfully my husband and dad were just up the road watching fireworks so we met them up there, they gave me a blessing and my husband drove me home. He was so worried about me and wanted to take me to the hospital but all I could think of was getting home to have a nice shower, getting dressed then going to bed. I'm very stubborn when it comes to seeing a Doctor or going to the hospital. We went home, I cleaned myself up and spoke to my mum for a little bit (see previous post about her experiences) and we figured it was probably a miscarriage.

The following morning, however, I had stopped bleeding. Absolutely nothing came out and I felt pretty good. A little achey but for the most part 10 times better than I'd felt the night before. I'm not sure what it was at this point and never saw any repercussions afterward.

The following month, I got my first negative pregnancy test. All other pregnancy tests I'd taken that year came out with no answer or the trusty "See Leaflet" answer I got on the digital pregnancy test one time. My period came on time (as opposed to the 5-12 days late periods I was getting before) and I felt "lighter" internally. I was taking ovulation tests before this experience and none ever showed I was ovulating. I figured I just didn't know how to pee on things since pregnancy tests never showed I was "not pregnant" either.

Two months later I found this out at Walmart

 and realized I'd always wanted to have a baby. I had mentally prepared myself for the non-negative tests by telling myself I was better off not being pregnant. I didn't like disappointing my husband with the "no, no results on this test either" news and knew my daughter would benefit from having a sibling. My logical, biological and emotiological (like that?) minds were all doing different things and the mess I made of those minds was all of out whack.

So, here's to sucking it up and being grateful I can have babies cause I know people who can't. And being grateful that this happened without having to pay thousands for in-vitro or other special fertility treatments or surgery to remove whatever goodness I have going on in my uterus. Cause look at this angel - who could deny having another like her around?

*Barf*

I have never actually said the word "barf" out loud. But that horrible word has been my CONSTANT companion for the last month. I never documented specifics when I was pregnant with Kiona and now I wish I had. Pregnancy brain forces you to forget it all (especially the bad) cause if I remembered what I'm experiencing now - she would be our only child. 

When people ask me how I feel my response is always the same - "like hell".

I don't sugar coat it cause I hate sugar right now and I'm way too exhausted to pretend life's dandy.

Here are the "experiences" I can remember.

Most mornings I wake up, shower, brush my teeth, vomit (which is the WORST vomit of them all because I have nothing to throw up so it's just stomach acids), brush my teeth again, force myself to eat breakfast then drive to work. Sometimes I throw breakfast up again. Last week was the ultimate low of my pregnancy. I had just dropped Kiona off at daycare (which is 10 mins from my work, and 30 mins from my house) when I got "that" feeling. I felt sick and knew if I was at home I'd have vomited in minutes, but for some reason my body does a good job of holding it in while I'm at work. It must feel the need to be on its best behavior or something. Anyway, to combat that feeling I knew I needed to get a snack and the grocery store is right behind our daycare lady's house. So I pull into the parking lot and just sit there. I could not make myself get out and walk in. I knew if I did I would throw up somewhere in the parking lot or, even worse, in the store. I also couldn't drive anywhere cause I knew something might happen in the car. After 10 minutes I got enough strength to start driving the car. I'd felt like a Mt. Dew slurpee for a few days and a 7-11 was just a couple of blocks up the road. I pulled out onto the main road and wound down the window to get some fresh air. Then it hit me. I threw up and tried to turn my head out the window - there was an island right beside my lane and a semi on the other side so I couldn't pull over. It didn't make it completely out the window. It went down the inside of the door and the smell overcame me and I threw up again. I was determined to keep this one in so I kept my mouth shut. BOOM! Another one immediately followed, forcing my mouth open and it landed in my lap. Ugh I felt 20 million times worse. The island was gone so I pulled into the middle lane of this main road, opened my door and threw up a few more times. Then a truck pulled up behind me to turn into the store whose entrance I was in front of so I did a U-Turn and pulled into a field and finished my "business". I was horrified, embarrassed but mostly MAD. I have never, in either pregnancies, thrown up in a way that's required anyone to clean up after me. Every single time I've made it to the toilet, thrown up in a disposable popcorn bucket (true story), or a bin lined with multiple plastic bags. Not only did I throw up in my car, I threw up on myself! 

I unbuttoned my shirt and wiped down the door and steering wheel then placed my big winter coat over my lap so I wouldn't see/smell it and text my husband to call me. He was in his last week of school (EVER!) and had huge group presentations all week he either had to do or prepare for. I knew he was busy but I needed to talk to somebody. He said sorry, but he was stuck at school - car troubles and he was in the middle of presentations. I wouldn't see him until 11pm that night. GREAT. Usually if something happened where I wasn't going to work, I would pick up my baby and take her home with me. But I couldn't get out of the car covered in my breakfast. So I called my sister. And I broke down and cried. I am NOT a crier. Not even when I'm pregnant - I'm actually a very aggressive (angry) pregnant woman. I don't even know the last time I really broke down. It's been at least 7 or 8 years since I've cried to my sister and she's pretty much my best friend. She's been empathetic my entire pregnancy cause she doesn't get sick but this time she knew it was bad. I asked her to pick up my daughter later that afternoon and she said she would pick her up, get her dinner and have her hang out at their house so I could get some decent rest. I drove home in a tank top as I'd taken my shirt off to clean the car, windows down in 20 degree weather, threw all my clothes in the wash and washed them at least 5 times before even checking to see if they were clean. I sat in the shower for about 45 minutes (until the water got cold) and spent the day in my bathrobe watching Ugly Betty. When I got home I noticed that my projectile had spread down the outside of the car and couldn't even bring myself to clean it as looking at it made me sick. My hubby cleaned it later that night but with it being so cold, the cleaner froze on impact and he ended up scraping ice vomit off the car. 

Ultimate pregnancy low.

I've also thrown up after the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn the second I stepped out of my sister's car into an empty popcorn bucket. No more movies for me during this pregnancy. Just as reminder to future me who may get baby hungry and forget about this - I am so sick that I am below functioning level. I threw up while putting my pants on because the movement was too much for my easily upset belly. For the last 5 days I have not been able to hold a morsel of food/drink down. I write this not for anyone's pity but to remind myself that the next time I get baby hungry - not to feed myself. I love my daughter, and this baby will be worth it, but I can't go through this again. Like I said, it's hell.

The greatest sacrifice

It's been said that the greatest sacrifice is to give up your life for someone/something you love. I'm not trying to be dramatic and say that anything I have going on is a life/death situation but I would like to share two stories of the greatest sacrifice of motherhood I've ever known in my life.

I come from a large family - 9 kids to be exact. 6 boys, 3 girls and a 21 year difference between the oldest and youngest. That puts my mother at 43 when she had my little sister.

My mum's a legend. Before my little sister was conceived my mum went through some rough things physically. Multiple miscarriages (3 I believe?) that all resulted in massive blood loss, my mother being declared dead, going to the "other side" of the veil and seeing and learning about things not of this earth.

In a nutshell.

When my mother became pregnant for what would be the last time, the Doctor sat down and had a serious conversation with her and my father. He told her she needed to consider having an abortion. He stated that if she lost another baby, she would also lose her life. Do you know what the Church's stand on abortion is? It actually ok's situations like this. But my mum didn't. She knew she had a daughter waiting to come to our family and proceeded with the pregnancy. It's not like she didn't have any other daughters, or shortage of children. And it's not like anyone could truly blame her if she decided to abort the pregnancy. But she went through with it and gave birth to a 10lb 2oz healthy baby girl months later. Now 10 years old, my little sister is the perfect ending to our family.

You're a legend mum.

I have a lot of friends who struggle with fertility problems. I feel for those friends and at the same time have no clue about the sadness and heartache they go through. One particular couple experienced the miracle and sacrifice of life.

The husband of this couple has 3 sisters and no living brothers. Two sisters have 4 kids, one being married while the other raises her kids as a single mother. Last year the married sister believed she might be pregnant. With her family in a spiritually and financially better place than they have been her entire marriage it seemed this child would be the crowning jewel in their lives. When she confirmed her pregnancy she shared with me the possibilities this child would have. The biggest possibility being that this child would need to live outside their home and family. She was going to give her child to her brother as she felt that he was more than ready to be a father and was missing a child to be that father to.

A lot of people had questions. And concerns. Honestly, it was nobody's business but theirs.

So she went through with it. And like a champ, after going through almost 24 hours of labor, handed this child over to her brother and mourned the pains of child birth with no child to comfort her.

My point is that life is the greatest gift. What you sacrifice for that life then becomes the greatest sacrifice you could offer. Also, that nausea and vomiting might aren't the worst things a pregnant woman goes through.

What's happening?

Okay, so it's been quite a few weeks since our last blog - and I will blame it on Harris. Usually he does the writing because he's funnier to read from. But, I'm very bored and decided it's updating time.
Pregnancy is coming along pretty well - and pretty HUGE. This stomach just ballooned out of nowhere and keeps expanding. It feels like I'm carrying this baby in my stomach, back, hips, thighs, ankles, even my arms (mostly cause they feel flabby) so I can't wait to get back to working out and feeling less tired. Walking up the stairs is hard work for me. Although not as damaging as walking down the stairs has been. Twice now I've fallen down the stairs. First time I just fell - not on anything at all I just fell. I knew that I shouldn't try to twist my body and catch myself or anything so I just lay back and enjoyed the ride. Til I hit the bottom step and now my back is all out of alignment so things have been a lot less comfortable since. Then last Saturday I was walking with a basket of laundry down the stairs being VERY careful and watching my step and what do you know......BOOM I'm down and sliding again. I just threw the basket off me so it wouldn't hit my belly and I wouldn't hurt the baby and I just let myself slide down til I hit the bottom step and laughed at my clumsy self. I really hope this baby doesn't come out with too damage done to her. Oh and last Saturday (same day I fell down the stairs) I was vacuuming the said "stairs" (once again being very careful) and I was actually standing to the side of the stairs vacuuming between the rails so I didn't have to bend over or be in the vacuum's line of fire. I was almost finished vacuuming and I walked around to the bottom of the stairs, bent down to pick something up off the floor and got whacked in the head and on my side by the vacuum coming down 5 steps. Did that stop me from cleaning? Never! I am nesting like crazy and need everything to be clean. I have always loved the smell of cleaning products (even before I was pregnant) and being a pregnant, nesting fanatic has just increased that obsession a million fold. It's ridiculous but I love when our house smells CLEAN and everything in it is clean.
ANYWAY, that's the dangers of being a nesting pregnant woman but it's one I will happily take to smell cleaning products....mmmmm.

This belly looks unnaturally large

Outside of the pregnancy world we've been able to do a lot as well. Saturday, July 18th, Harris and his friends put together a BBQ for their High School friends and anyone else that went to their High School just to reminisce, talk pidgin, and wish they were all in Hawaii. Harris spent 12 hours at the park! I couldn't believe he spent the whole day there - especially since it was so hot. I only went down for 4 hours but those were 4 hot, sweaty and uncomfortable hours. We came home and I couldn't cool down for the rest of the weekend so no more long hours for me outside.
Saturday just gone (July 25th) we were able to have the missionaries over for dinner. But not just any missionaries - FAMILY! I have a cousin (a real cousin, not a polynesian "cousin") who's serving his mission in Provo. He's from New Zealand and I lived with his family when I went back to New Zealand after I graduated High School. His older brother and I have been BFF's since we were born so it was divine intervention when this missionary saw me at the 4th of July Parade in Provo. He was in the missionary float since he's in the Provo area and I was standing to see if I could recognize any of the missionaries and he comes running across the road to say hi. I got his number, we scheduled dinner and all my family came down to have dinner on Saturday with us. We ran the AC and had the fans going all day so I wouldn't overheat when everyone came over for dinner and the day ended up going really well. So our Saturdays have been pretty enjoyable through the summer heat.

My family with the missionaries (my cousin is the one sitting right next to me)

We were also able to go to a concert a couple of weeks ago - two brothers from New Zealand, Adeaze sang and played the guitars...it was so nice! And refreshing hearing songs that we grew up listening to in New Zealand and just hearing New Zealand accents in general. They were followed by this samoan comedic duo who were also from NZ - Laughing Samoans. I would've found it funnier if I hadn't woken up so early that morning and they didn't go as long as they did. Either way I enjoyed hearing people from NZ and it makes me more excited to go home for Christmas!

Adeaze

Laughing Samoans

Every Sunday is an adventure for Harris and I since we've been called as CTR 5 teachers. Kids are hilarious! Last Sunday one of the boys in our class calls out to me during sharing time to tell me his nose is bleeding. I asked him what happened and he holds up his hands and shrugs his shoulders with a "dunno". I look down at his hands and his pointer finger is covered in blood up to his bottom knuckle and I look at his face and he has this smudge of a finger print below his nostril. I just cracked up cause his nose wasn't really bleeding it was just blood from digging for gold so I grabbed a wipe from one of the other teachers and had him hold it to clean his face up. We have another kid with a little bit of a speech impediment - he says his "S"s like "D"s. We discovered this when we played Simons Says our first Sunday and we couldn't understand what he was saying...til we figured out it was Diamond Dead. Hahaha poor kid. He was a bit of a trouble child at the beginning but we love him. We love all of our class - they're hilarious. Yesterday Harris amused the class with magic tricks and turned one kid's paper into a dollar bill. So Mr Nose Picker asked Harris if he could turn his crayons into $20. Then he proceeded to eat the little note paper we gave him after that. There's just so many things these kids do all day during Primary that make me laugh. We leave church pretty happy cause of our kids.
In general, life is GREAT. Harris is so excited for this baby to get out already - I need more time to prepare cause I have NOTHING ready. He can't wait for more kids (again, he will have to wait, I need more time to prepare) and he wants to be a millionaire. Just the simple dreams really.

I know, we always have pictures of my nephew, Koa, but he's the baby we look after the most. In this pic Harris is blowing in his face to cool him down and every time Harris blows, Koa sticks out his tongue - we love this little dark chocolate boy!